Caddying again for Old Times Sake

I recently had a trip out on tour, Caddying again for ‘old-times-sake’ at The St. Omer Open in France and thought I’d do a little write up of how it all went.

 

The Set Up via Facebook

I run my own little Digital Marketing business now, building websites and helping get businesses high on Google etc and one Tuesday afternoon as I was just finalising a few details to put my biggest website project to date live on t’internet www.ashbridgeschool.co.uk I had the golf on Sky in my office. It was a show just reviewing last years 2011 US Open and previewing this years and I know, in US Open week from when I caddied years ago, that the European Tour plays in St. Omer the same week.

It just came to me ‘be good to get out there again for old times sake; I wonder if I could get a bag?’ ‘Sod it’ I thought, I will see if I can!

I messaged a few caddies and players on Facebook and one chap, an old buddy of mine and caddy, Gary Marshall said that a Danish player, Jeppe Huldahl was looking for a caddy. I took the bull by the horns and messaged Jeppe on Facebook. 

So, as the message from Jeppe asked, I texted him… This was about 9.30pm and within a few texts back n forth, we had arranged fees and a meeting time the next day and within an hour I had booked my morning ferry and I was packed and by 11pm I was in my car and on my way to Dover…….. ‘booked it, packed it & fooooked off!’

 

The Journey to St. Omer, France

I arrived in Dover at about 4am and I was booked on the 7.30am ferry but they let me switch to the 5am Ferry which was perfect.

This was after I had been stopped and searched by Security at the Port; which was pretty odd really…… what the hell can you smuggle ‘OUT’ of England and take to France? ….. I wasn’t searched coming back when I had a load o booze n fags!!!

I wondered how these boats make any money??

For a ‘return’ trip the ferry cost me £40 and it was pretty much empty. I wandered t’ship through boredom as I couldn’t sleep and I bet there was no more than 100 folk on board… 

I got off the ferry at about 7.30am local time and I had looked up where the course was using my map 'thingy' on my phone and straight out of the port I saw a sign for St.Omer so I was off n running.

After about 30km down the A26 I saw the sign for Lumbres and a sign for St. Omer Golf Club…… it took me 20 mins with no hassle whatsoever. Ironic thing is, as my mates who I golf with in the Society I play in will confirm, it takes me hours to get to 'local' golf courses we play back home, I am forever getting lost and need guiding in by phone…. There I am in France and I drive straight to the course!!!!

Arriving at St. Omer Golf Club

I arrived at the golf course at about 8am and had arranged to meet my man at lunchtime. At first I was going to just kick back and have a kip in my car in the car park as I’d been up since 6am the previous day and just had a long drive etc but I was ‘buzzing’!!

After a quick change into ‘caddylike’ clothing I set off towards the clubhouse and first 2 people I saw were John Dempster and Davey Lees. I only knew John to talk to really from when I caddied before; he drank in different crews so to speak but Davey Lees was, and still is, a good buddy o mine. He’d even stayed at my house in Huddersfield years back and was one of the first guys I met when I had my first job in Crans Montanna, Switzerland, with Costantino Rocca, many years ago.

We had the craic for 5 mins and as I was a bit rusty he filled me in on what was where in terms of signing in, getting Yardage books etc etc. so I was all set, ready to ‘rat’ again….

 I’d got my man’s golf balls and gloves from the Titleist truck, signed in and got my caddy pass, paid for a yardage book and stood at the side of the practice putting green and waited for my man, Jeppe, to arrive at the course.

Waiting for my player

This is when it all a got bit surreal, even a bit emotional if I’m honest!!

I had not seen these guys, caddy pals o mine for 6 years. And, it was absolutely brilliant to see ‘em all! These guys are top blokes, it’s like a massive family when you’re on tour. Sure, not everyone gets on with everyone, like a normal family, but the ones you do get on with, as it proved when I was meeting old faces that morning, are buddies for life… it was like I’d never been away, again, I was ‘buzzing’!!

In the clubhouse, I saw ‘DJ’, an American caddy who’d I’d roomed with in the past, top bloke, always smiling. We had a little ‘catch up’ and he bought me a coffee as I hadn’t had chance to change any brass into Euros as yet. When I was on tour my main nickname was ‘Huddersfield’ as I went on about HTAFC and worthless trivia about Huddersfield itself, sad I know, but got the laughs!! And I used to sing terrace footy songs now n again. Well, ‘DJ’, had a sip of his coffee as we were chatting in the clubhouse and then went into a song… “Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end, we won the league 3 times in a row, we won the FA Cup and now we’re going up, we are the Town, oh yes we are the Town”!!! …… he’d remembered my Town song; legend!!!

Paul Cast, SA Kevin and ‘Toffee Tim’ (he’s posh, what else could we call him) were in the clubhouse along with a couple of faces I half recognised and quite a lot I didn’t; lots of new caddies, who, all looked a bit leaner and fitter than all the caddies I knew… maybe it’s all changing now, maybe players don’t need a buddy, but a fit lean walking machine!!...fitness doesn't give you experience though!!!!

By the practice putting green I saw ‘Ronnie Corbett’ (ya, he’s small), Neil Easton who was the guy who got me on the Old Course at St Andrews many years ago after I saved his job; long story!

Then, some real blasts from the past… John ‘Scotchy’ Rasmussen, who is a bit of a backgammon hustler. He set up a backgammon tournament in Milan years ago, 64 players if I remember rightly. I was the last to enter after a lot of pestering to help make numbers up……….. and I won it, get in…. about 300 Euros to boot!!!

I then saw ‘Big Stevie’, a true legend. It was that good to see him sod the hand shakes, we had a cuddle!! Absolute top bloke, footy mad and funny as foook. Steve went to the HTAFC play off final in Cardiff as the tour was at Celtic Manor one week, many years ago. We met up in Cardiff town centre after the match and he bought 2 bottles o Champagne to celebrate Town’s promotion……. He’s a Sunderland fan!!!!!

Then I heard a voice saying, in a ‘sarth afrikan’ / ‘yorkshire’ twang…… “Do mi eyes deceive me, is that ‘Tino’?”

Mi old roomie Jan, a guy I roomed with tons o times on tour, an old drinking buddy and another, top man. I didn’t expect to see him there at all as he works for Robert Jan Derksen, top 50 player, but his man wasn’t playing that week so he was caddying for his former boss, Phil Archer.

Me and him had some cracking times when I was caddying and he’d also stayed at mine in the UK, a couple of times over the years.

One night in particular springs to mind when we had both missed the cut, so we flew to Magaluf for the weekend just for the craic in between tournaments (that’s the way caddies roll!!!) and in a nightclub we had a ‘Dog Fight’. You see Jan is a bit of a ladies man so a Dog Fight was well up his street; we competed to see who could pull the ugliest lass. It was piss funny as all the ugly women he flirted with knew he wasn’t for real…. They couldn’t believe their luck if it was for real!!!!!

Just as I was leaving the course Jan had started picking up my accent and the odd Yorkshire twang was coming from his lips like it used to, pisser…. I saw Richie Hill, another top top bloke. We had a quick hello and I said we’d catch up as I was not only staying in the same hotel as him, but, we were out together in the tournament.

The Hotel

What a crock o shite this was, god!! French hotels are the worst in the world, shitty prefab rooms and ours, The Lemon Hotel didn’t disappoint in that department. Loads of caddies were staying there as it was cheap if not cheerful. All expenses as a caddy have to be watched, they are all self-employed and the cheaper your digs, the more beer money you have left over!!

I stayed on my own, which was the only thing I had to myself. In the room was my bed and a sink, the hotel had communal showers, and communal toilets for fooooks sake, what’s that about!!!

Even when you went for a shower, there were no towels, well, only hand towels. They had electric driers in them, took bloody ages to get dry.

I needed the shower room often anyway as I didn’t wash in my sink in the room, I just pissed in it (come on, you’d have done the same with no bog in your room!!).

 

The folk on reception were chuffing useless as well. French don’t like to learn English we know that, but if you work in a hotel, surely you should speak English… everywhere else in the worlds’ hotels do, but not in France.

As I was sorting my room out, another old buddy o mine, Roy ‘the taxi’ (used to be a taxi driver!!) was there, swearing at the bloke on reception….. still a nutter then yeah Roy!

Last time I went to St Omer I travelled down with ‘the taxi’ from Blackpool to the ferry at Dover. After 2 n half hours driving, we stopped at some services in Birmingham and he said “Oh shit, I’ve left my passport at home!” What a nob… we had to drive back to his house to get it. As if it wasn’t a long enough drive anyway, Roy ‘the taxi’ managed to add 5+ hours to the journey……. I bet he made a fortune as a Taxi man!!!!!

I got by with reception via a few mediums; broken French, drawings and Google Translator on my phone.

Wednesday Night

At the hotel I’d had a shower and got changed, unpacked and was ready for a couple o beers with the old crew. I didn’t have to be at the course till about 11am the next day as we were off at 13.05.

We’d arranged to meet some lads in town later but I was itching for a ‘tea-time bevvy’ and to try and catch the EURO Championship footy matches.

Roy ‘the taxi’ said he’d take me into town and have a couple with me till the lads came out and we set off into the local town of Arques.

 

Me and ‘the taxi’ wandered round the town in search of the footy match on and had no joy in about 6 bars finding the game on the TV. So, at the other end of the square, I saw what looked like a nice little boozer. The sun was shining, this place had seating outside, just a little spot called Café de la Mairie so I suggested we just grab a beer and sit outside and have a catch up.

We walked in this tiny spot and blow me….. it had the footy on……. Result!!

The player I was caddying for was Danish and Denmark were playing Portugal so I classed watching this match as ‘homework’, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!!!

Saying that, it’s important to a caddy, stuff like this…… Denmark win they are through = my man is in a good mood next day = he plays well = he makes money = I make more money!!

We met up in the same bar; Big Steve, Richie & his son Sam, who was 17 and a great lad and had got a caddying job for the week, James ‘Scruffs’ McHugh and ‘Gordy’. I’d met Scruffs before, but he wasn’t a tour caddy at the time when I caddied, he caddied in Scotland and when we played there I’d met him. Good Irish lad who does a wicked impression of Graeme McDowell and his ‘Champagne swing!”

Gordy is a bit of cockney wide boy in my eyes, and a bloody nutter when he gets going. He’ll bet on flies climbing a wall this fella and he’s a top laugh. (as i am 'editing' this, his man Sjoholm is leading in Cologne after two rounds on 11 under.......... go on Gordy!!)

The beers were flowing and the crack was great; quizzing each other on footy n golf, putting bets on with my Paddy Power account and generally just having a good night…. It felt great to be there!!

I had ALL of 'em stumped on one bit o trivia...... "Who scored 68 goals in just 62 international appearances"? ...............

  We only had one car to get back to the Hotel as Roy ‘the taxi’ had gone already but there were 6 of us. So, as needs must, the slimmest fella, ‘Gordy’ took one for the team and travelled back to the hotel in the boot!!!!! We didn’t even take the parcel shelf off for him……. Pisser!!!!

Thursday Golfing

When I met my man Jeppe the day before he seemed a good bloke, I liked him. He was pretty chilled; smiley sort o chap and I think we got on pretty well. Talking a bit o golf, footy, families etc as he practiced for a couple of hours on the range, chipping and putting.

I didn’t really know much about my man other than he’d lost his card last season and was now playing on the Challenge Tour. That he’d already had a runners-up place last month in France, losing in a play-off to boot, and that he won the 2009 Welsh Open at Celtic Manor against a top class field.

We were out with Richie and his man Oliver Wilson and Andrew Marshall and his caddy George, who didn’t caddy when I was caddying before.

Ironically, Richie was with Olli when I caddied before, but he was just doing the one week with him as Olli, despite his hugely successful years from 2006 to 2010, where he had 9 runners up spots and earned in that period, well over 5M Euros, had lost his card in 2011. Just temporary though I’m sure and he will be back, good players always come back, just had an ‘off’ season probably.

I’d got my man’s bag from the bag store, the pin positions for the day, and some marker pens from the local supermarket to mark his balls and headed off to the range where I said I’d meet him and started to clean the clubs and wipe the grips.

After a warm up we were on the first tee, bibs n bananas, water and stats cards… this was it, I’m caddying again, and it felt great!

I had my yardage book out at the ready, checking the ‘run-outs’ up the left and the bunker ‘carries’ up the right. I’d already got a good grip on the wind from the flags round the clubhouse.

The books had really changed though. I had my old book from 2004 with me as well and I had being doing a bit of homework with that one and making some notes in my new one that morning prior to leaving the hotel.

 One thing I did notice which I guess was helpful, but even so, a bit insulting to a caddy, is the new books had +’s and –‘s yardages on them in relation to elevations. Back in my day a caddy had to work these out for themselves, which was part of the skill, knowing how long or short a particular hole would play due to the elevation.

 

Jeppe just checked the wind with me and pulled out his driver and drove it probably the only place you really don’t need to be, and that’s up the left; he was a bit blocked out by trees for his second and had to play to the right side, just off the green, from there he took 3 on a fast, tricky green…. +1 after the first. He took a 4 at the par3 next hole so it wasn’t the best of starts for us.

With his birdie on the 5^th we were stood on the par5 seventh with him on +1, which was more than fine by me, it can be a tricky place and the 7^th is a good birdie chance to get back to even par.

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The 7^th at St Omer

This has to be the worst hole in my caddying life!!!!

In 2004 whilst working for Massimo Florioli - he stood on that tee, in the final group on Sunday, in the lead on his own by one shot and a good chance to go 2 clear as he had birdied the 7^th two out of the previous 3 rounds….. he then ‘duck hooked’ it OOB from the tee……. Ended up with a double bogey and never recovered really, finishing 8^th……..bummer!!!!!

After Jeppe’s drive found the first cut of rough he was laying up with a 4iron and the club snagged a bit in t’rough and he pulled his second out of bounds and also took a 7, just like Florioli did.

Jeppe also hit his drive out o bounds the next day…….. I fooking hate that hole!!!

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After the double bogey on the 7^th Jeppe made 3 bogeys in a row and then double bogeys at 15 after missing the green and at 16 after going out of bounds from the tee. A great birdie at the last to finish the day on 9 over par……… bummer!!!!

Nine over seems shocking, but it’s a tough track, and a hard course to pull back a bad start. The odd bad shot you pay for at St Omer, coupled with so many different elevations, swirling winds and some tricky greens makes that score easy done.

We didn’t say much after the round, I just left him with his thoughts. There’s a time to speak and a time to shut up when you’re a caddy!

Caddying

Caddying can be a great life, traveling the world and getting paid to do it! Some of your top caddies are multi millionaires but in the main, caddies are decently paid and it all then depends on how good their player is to determine how much money you can earn.

When I caddied full-time I charged £750 per week plus a percentage of my player’s winnings; 10% for a win of which I never had unfortunately, 8% for a top 15 finish and 5% for making the cut.

Although some top caddies have their flights and even digs paid for by their players, most caddies pay for all their outgoings themselves. Travel, flights, car hire, hotels, food, drink, laundry (as you live out of a suitcase) and any other expenses (mostly beer) it takes to live away from home all the time. In the main this means you can earn a few quid but to earn decent money your player needs to be making money.

Just as a stab at the amount of money that can be earned, I looked at Rory McIlroy’s results last year and using the same percentage as I charged and based on a guess his salary pre-cut would be £1,000 per week? I reckon McIlroy’s caddie earned approximately £300,000 in 2011…….. nice work if you can get it!!

 

What you really need as a caddie, as most ‘top’ bags like Mcilroy’s are like rocking horse shit, is a decent bloke who can play a bit!

It’s a tough apprenticeship though, really tough.

My good pal Jan was working for Iain Pyman when I first met him. Pyman played 30 European Tour events in 2004 and won less that £40,000 in just the 9 cuts that he managed to make… now, as nice a bloke as Iain is, Jan couldn’t make a living on 5% of £40k!

He switched to Phil Archer and Archer won over £1.5M in a couple of seasons…… that’s better!! Since leaving Phil he’s been with Robert jan Derksen who is regularly in the top 50 in the Road to Dubai so he now earns a good living, I presume!!

Also, which is just as important really, Jan tells me that Robert is a ‘top bloke’ who looks after him, speaks to him as an equal and is generally an all round good egg. It’s important you get on with your golfer because when you are on tour, you are practically married to these guys, being with them all day every day!

Golfers

I find it funny how some folk I know, who haven’t caddied, think certain golfers are Ok and some are not is almost EVERY time, the opposite of what I think/know.

Two good examples of this are firstly Sir Nick Faldo who all my pals at home like. Yes, the most successful modern day British Player there has been, but what a very very unpopular guy he is, no one liked him. I was working for Jimenez in Dubai, sat in the clubhouse having lunch. As Faldo took his place at a table near me with his lunch, ALL the players and caddies at that table picked up their plates and moved to another table to leave him sat on his own!!

The other is Colin Montgomerie, who most of my pals in UK didn’t like due to the way he seems on the course but I put them all straight. Monty is not just one of the nicest golfers I ever met when caddying, but one of the nicest blokes I’ve ever met. He regularly sat with all the caddies and bought us all lunch and had the craic with us. He said he wasn’t keen on sat with players all the time as all they did was ‘talk golf’ and ‘piss n moan’ about pin positions n bollocks. Caddies talk anything but golf most of the time!!

 There are a lot of golfers who are tossers to be honest, like in life, and again, like in life, some really good blokes who realise how blessed they are to do what they do for a living.

You get to know very quickly who is worth talking to and who to avoid!

But one thing is for sure, these boys can play! I used to be a decent player when I played regularly; I was off 6 a few years back and thought I was a decent player. I have pals/acquaintances who are off scratch and I thought were brilliant, till you see these top boys play…… different gravy!

One lad I know who plays off scratch at Saddleworth GC asked me whilst having a beer after a round when he’d just shot 1 over, “What would you say my chances were of making it on European Tour Mart?”

I nearly choked on my ale and managed to blurp out “No foooking chance!”

Caddies

Caddies, in the main, are the salt of the earth in my eyes. Again, some you may not get on with and I can get on with pretty much anyone but that’s how it goes. Some are really quiet, some can be well cocky and smug because they caddy for a great player; you’d think it was them that hit the chuffing ball… but in the main, caddies are just battle hardened, worldly wise good blokes.

Yes they get paid to travel the world but don’t be fooled; it’s a bloody hard job. It’s up to the caddie to make sure the golfer has everything he needs; his clubs (cleaned), towels, waterproofs, food n drink, balls (marked), tees, markers, pencils, local rules, yardage books, pin positions, tee-times, balls to practice with. Always be on time, walk the course if need be prior to your player arriving, sort his locker and bag store out and always be on call and never be late!

Not to mention the tour bags which can feel like they weigh a ton, literally on hilly courses.

 

The worst is when it’s raining… not only do you rarely get to be under a brolly as your player has it and you get proper piss wet through, but trying to keep everything dry, gloves and especially grips, can be a nightmare.

Apart from that, on the course, all you need to do is A/ make sure you don’t balls up any yardages, B/ make sure you are on top of the wind direction and C/ keep your man in high spirits.

There are the odd bits of caddy etiquette that you pick up after you’ve done it a few times. Things like cleaning an opponent’s ball for him on the green if he’s just come from a bunker and his caddie is busy raking it. Raking a fairway bunker for an opponent if your own man is on the green and your opponent isn’t yet. This and more just helps you speed up so your players are not on the clock.

One of the best bits of advice I ever had when I started caddying was from my good mate John ‘Muller' Mulrooney (caddied for Darren Clarke when he won the 2011 Open) who I knocked about with on tour most of the time…….. “Don’t be a ‘yes’ man!”

If you think… after working out yardages, elevations, wind, lie, even your man’s form on the day… that your player is making a bad decision on say club selection, you speak up; that’s what you’re paid to do!

Caddy & Player Relationships

I often liken this to football managers. By that I mean that the longer a manger stays with a club, seems the more successful that club becomes. Take Sir Alex for example, who was almost sacked in 1989 but survived… 20+ trophies since and he’s almost winning titles with a shyte team now!

It’s the same with caddies I think. A caddy needs to know the player well for him to be at his best on the course. You have to know each others game and personality.

I was a bit unique in starting my caddying career. Most caddies know someone on tour, or know a player before they go out to caddy or start of caddying at big UK courses such as Sunningdale or St Andrews.

I took voluntary redundancy from The Yorkshire Post and just jumped on a plane and went to the golf course in Munich not knowing anyone. Had the craic with caddies in bars just by being cheeky and introducing myself and got fixed up in my first week whilst in Munich for the following week in Switzerland.

My first job as a caddy was with the Italian, Senor Costantino Rocca in The Omega European Masters in Crans-Montanna, Switzerland.

A caddy, ‘Scouse Wayne’ once said, after a couple of rounds with us in Ireland “They are just the funniest folk you can go out with, it’s like man and wife bickering all the time!”

We did get on really well me and Rocca but it didn’t start great. My first EVER hole in a tournament, in Switzerland when he was on the par5 first in 2, 60 foot from the pin eagle putt and he’d marked his ball and passed it me to clean (I knew the sketch from the pro-am the day before) and he went to the hole and pulled the flagstick to have a look back at his putt.

He was mumbling at me to do something but he was so far away I couldn’t hear him and asked him 3 times “What are you saying?”

In an Italian strop, he stood up, clearly and slowly (taking the total piss out of me in front of the crowd, other players and caddies) said “Put…. the ball… behind… the marker!” as if he was talking to a dumb ass kid!!

I thought ‘if this is what you have to put up with as a caddy you can stick it where the sun don’t shine’ and threw him the ball and said “Do it your fuc**** self!” and walked off the green.

My plan was to get to the second green which is near the clubhouse and drop the bag and clear off.

On the second tee Rocca asked me, nice and politely as he knew he’d obviously pissed me right off “What you think Martino, 3 wood or Driver?” to which I replied “Personally I’d hit driver to take the bunkers out of play but you can hit what you want!”…. I didn’t give a shit as I was walking off soon!

He hit a good drive up the middle, leaving only a wedge to the green and on the way up, walking beside me, he patted me a few times on the shoulder and said “I feel pretty good today Martino, maybe we do well here yes!” I read this as an apology, a bit of respect, so I thought I’d stick it out and ended up working with him for 14 months!

I knew Rocca’s game inside out after a bit. I knew his form, his shot types, his frame of mind, the lot. I also read almost every putt he had which at first is pretty nerve racking but as a golfer, as ALL my pals will vouch for, by far the best bit of my own game is putting so I just read the greens for myself. All I had to do with Rocca was tell him it was more break than it was as he used to ‘die them’ into the hole whereas I give my own putts a good run.

Friday’s Round

We were starting at the 10^th at 8.05am Friday morning and lying at +9 we had it all to do to make the cut.

I will give Jeppe his due, he was up for the challenge and said “I think 4 under today will do us Martyn and make the cut on the mark!”

‘Good man’ I thought, let’s at least give it a ‘ryte good go’, even though it’ll be a tough shout on this course.

What a start it was too, nice drive, good wedge, one putt, birdie! He as good as lipped the second and third putts for birdies but just parred them. After bogeying 13 he bounced back with 2 following birdies at the par5 14^th and the 15^th (our 6^th) with a monster putt.

Couple more birdies and he could do this!

Although birdies came at the 18^th and the 9^th, four bogeys put paid to the week and he shot level par for the round (average for the day was +4 so a good effort) and was +9 for the tournament, missing the cut by 4 shots, he was right, the cut was +5 in the end!

 

Missing the Cut

I take missing the cut personally, don’t know why half the time as it’s not me hitting the ball but I do. As a lot of caddies are, I am honest with myself and I look back and think if I could have ballsed up?

Being honest, it was hard… not knowing my man and his game, so I was probably quieter than when I caddied full time. Saying that, I spoke up when I needed to, we chatted a lot, mainly about the wind and him confirming with me if I thought the club was good! One moment comes to mind when he had ‘added’ onto to a yardage instead of ‘taking’ off a yardage from a spot. Not a big deal for a caddy I know, but a ‘yes’ man may have ballsed up and let his man go very long (doubtful to be fair, but I’ve seen it happen!).

The only 2 clubs I would change if I could go back would be letting him hit 2iron on the 13^th on Friday when 3wood would have been better as he was left with 198 to the pin and ended up taking bogey.

The other would be instead of driver on the first on Thursday to have him hit 3wood as he ended up being blocked out behind trees a bit for his second whereas 3wood would not have reached the trees… bogeying the first is NOT how you need to start a tournament really!!!

Still, life goes on and I enjoyed working with Jeppe, he is a nice bloke and a good player, just out of form that week, that’s how it goes sometimes.

Oliver Wilson also missed the cut, by just 1 shot whereas Andrew Marshall faired the best in our trio. He made the cut with +1 lying in the top 20 at the half way stage. Not the best weekend shooting 5 over on the Saturday and a more than respectable 1 over on Sunday to finish 28^th for the week.

My own personal highlights of mine and Jeppe’s playing partners were…. Andrew Marshall talking to himself on the course, just exactly the way I do. One such occasion was on the 3^rd when he had a short pitch shot up the hill and ballsed it up really and walking to his ball was saying out loud to himself “God Marshy, you are a class act, a real class act, what a top shot that was fella!”…. funny!.......... he had an even better week the following week in Cologne; hole in 1 on the 217yd 17th and won a £60k BMW!!!!!

With Olli Wilson it was watching him trying to hit a shot whilst pissing himself laughing after a joke I cracked. Someone had mentioned Donkeys in conversation so I asked my man Jeppe with Olli and Richie there, listening “Did you know they have Donkeys on Blackpool beach in the UK so kids can ride on them?” to which he replied ‘he did know’ so I asked him “Do you know what they give those Donkeys on Blackpool beach for their dinner?” and he shook his head and said “No!”…. so I said “Half an hour!”

In general as well, on both days Richie was making me laugh. It was hard to have a good laugh on the course with both our men towing to make the cut but we managed it, he’s a top bloke!!

Friday Night

Thursday was a pretty quiet night as we off at 8am on the Friday, couple of bevies, saw SA ‘howzit’ Barry who was smiling away as usual. We watched Eire get thumped by Spain in the Euros and apart from a local bloke having a fit in the bar and an Ambulance taking him away, it was pretty quiet.

Two things got me that night. The toilets; they were outside round the back of the bar! And, the servers in McDonalds were like supermodels!!

Friday was to be different mind. Jeppe had thanked me for the week and was heading off so I wasn’t working the next day. I could have left there and then and being home for maybe midnight but a far better plan was staying another night.

England were playing Sweden that night, and all the boys were going out to watch it. Some had made the cut so didn’t go out too early and came out later. I’d had about 2 hours kip when I got back to the hotel and by 5.30pm I was blagging a lift into town with the courtesy car mini bus driver, a smiley French girl called Emilie.

My plan was to watch the French match with the locals in town. When I caddied, no matter where we were in the world, I used to like to go out before my room mate/pals and go to some local bar and have the craic with the local clientele and always had a laugh.

It was so funny watching these guys shout at the tele watching France play Ukraine. The language barrier didn’t come into it; you could guess what they were shouting at.

The French won the game and I had been in rounds with the locals and had a great craic!

 The boys came out in force… Chris, Scruffs, Richie, Sam, Jan, Big Stevie, Gordy, Roy the Taxi, DVD John and Gerry (yet another top man, and another who’s daft as a brush) who had turned up to do the ‘bag run’ for next week!

The bar was as good as all ours for the night. Beers flowing, bets going on and the craic was at its best…… from Gordy singing to the Duran Duran tune Rio, having a dig at Ferdinand not being picked in the Euro’s England squad, “His name is Rio and he watches from the stand!” to just the usual piss taking and wise cracking…. All that was mixed in with England going 1 nil up…… then 2-1 down and ‘oh yessss’ beating the Swedes 3-2….. “Dish ish goot yaaar!”

Great night and a great week and tomorrow it was back to blighty!!

Going Home

I was up about 8am and knocked Jan up as he asked me to and we had a brew before I hit the road.

My booked ferry was for Sunday night as I had every confidence we’d make the cut (see what I did there…… ‘WE’ make the cut…… ‘YOUR MAN’ misses the cut!!!) so I drove to Calais to get on the next Ferry. Ferry was knackered and needed repairing and they cancelled it. I was told to drive to Dunkirk to got the next, after the two ladies at the ticket office robbed me of paying and extra £60 to change ferries, but they were fit so I didn’t mind!

 

I was back in Dover and one of the last chuffing cars off the ferry so didn’t hit the road home till 2pm.

Then, like the cock I am, I missed my turning from the M20 onto the M25 and ended up going into London City Centre, managing to get in as much bloody traffic as I could and when I thought I couldn’t be any more angry with road rage than I was, I got to 2 cars off going through the Dartford Tunnel and the red lights stopped us, the tanoy came on and said “We are sorry for the delay but the tunnel will be closed for approximately 20 mins, please stay in your vehicles and be patient!” arrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Once I hit the M1 though it was pretty plane sailing. My car was full up with petrol so I didn’t need to stop and traffic was pretty dead so I made good time. My daughter wanted picking up on my way home as she wanted to stay at mine and we got back home in the ‘pissing’ rain, at about 8pm after, what I can say, was and absolutely great week, loved seeing all the boys and one which I loved every minute, apart from missing the cut!!

 

I must do that again some time, but not on that nightmare hilly course!!!!!!